You are here because you wish to perform penance and thus gain absolution.
Reverend Dame Wotta Tripp has created a simple but accurate system so that you receive the penances best fitted to your transgressions.
Please follow the instructions exactly as given below.
Few people are truly sorry for the insalubrious things that they have done.
Dame Wotta Tripp must ask the penitent - is your sorrow for the sins you have probably committed genuine and authentic?
If it is, then we can proceed. Take a moment to review all the mischievous, even criminal acts that you have carried out. Yes, I should think you do look contrite! Some of you have rather a lot to be sorry for. Below are just a few examples from among the massive and endless variety of sins available for people's selection each and every day.
· Cheating in exams, tests and interviews
· Drinking directly from milk and juice cartons
· Drinking until consciousness either diminishes or exits, more than once a week
· Eating at McDonalds
· Eating noisily
· Enjoying ABBA
· Excessive consumerism
· Hating everybody
· Hating your boss
· Hating - general
· Indulging in fake behaviour patterns
· Juicy gossip-mongering
· Leaving cupboard doors open deliberately
· Making an idol of one's body
· Making an idol of someone else's body
· Playing air guitar (or any air instrument)
· Road rage
· Sexist outlook
· Shaving, tattooing, dyeing, piercing, stencilling, crayoning on and otherwise decorating domestic animal companions
· Wasting time
· Watching 'As The World Turns' and other sucherrant nonsense
· Wearing spandex
Please select the appropriate penances from the list below to begin your redemptive suffering. For a description of what constitutes a particular sin, please consult the handy descriptions available here.
Original sin is an illusion. We carry no unpleasant residue from any original sin. Despite this many people believe they are contaminated with this very old stain on the soul which could probably easily come out today anyway, what, with modern cleaners that utilize oxygen and enzymatic components. If you feel you simply must suffer due to original sin then choose from among the following actions:
1. Buy a homeless person a good meal or something else that they really need.
2. Mow the lawn or weed the garden for an elderly or disabled neighbour (note those who are dyslexic or confused, do not mow down a disabled neighbour and take his weed).
3. Take the most boring person you know out for the day.
4. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
5. Practice acts of kindness randomly and with no expectance of gratitude as often as an opportunity is identified.
6. Cast aside entirely the tiresome concept of original sin and retire to a bar for a little persistent quaffing and relaxation.
Once you have assessed your sin category properly, choose and complete 3 penances from each of the following sections that apply to you.
1. Offer to babysit a particularly revolting child to give it's parents a much-needed break (and do not use this as an opportunity to be abusive and tease or torment the child, however horrible and inhuman it may seem. Apparently they are almost all this way).
2. Write 1000 lines over the course of the next 5 days thus: "I will from this moment on live according to the precepts of egalitarian and cordial brotherhood and sisterhood with all living things. I love them rather a lot and they don't mind me too much. I am having a cool, smooth existence facilitating soul growth and happiness."
3. You must yield to 10 rude drivers in cars who wish to get in front of you within 72 hours without demonstrating road-rage, leaning on the horn or raising your middle finger (or the middle and forefinger in the UK) to any of them.
4. Have a 20 minute bath (or shower if you have no bath) in ice cold water each day for a week.
5. Donate your hair toward making wigs for chemotherapy victims.
6. Eat nothing but brown rice, apples, celery and onions for an entire week.
Sins of Omission
1. Make someone's dream come true. Make it your business to find someone you can help in a large and special way, and without injuring them if possible.
2. There is a vegetable you particularly dislike. It is now your duty to eat at least one full serving of this vegetable each day for an entire month.
3. Do something that scares you very much. Select something that you've put off dealing with because it frightens you so badly. This penance will not only be unpleasant, a potentially fearful experience, which is good, but it will also help you face up to a personal fear, something that will stand you in good stead later on. It doesn't matter whether it's snake handling, skydiving, spending time with in-laws, getting a job or swimming with sharks. Just do it!
4. Have a 30 minute bath (or shower if you have no bath) in ice cold water each day for a week.
5. Practice self-flagellation with a wet, knotted towel. That should teach you a lesson you won't forget in a hurry.
6. Arrange to stay alone in a haunted location all night. You may retain your cell phone in case of emergencies.
Sins of Commission
1. Accept the consequences for something negative you have done to someone by going to the wronged one and telling them the truth and apologizing.
2. Wear a totally humiliating outfit twice a week for a month while out shopping, walking or running chores. This outfit should be gender, age or lifestyle inappropriate, and should be embarrassing to both you and the unfortunate people who are forced to view you. Remember that they are suffering so you can become a better person. Use your imagination to place yourself in the best venue to cause yourself and others maximum discomfort.
3. Punish and challenge yourself by ingesting as much red-hot sauce (research the types and brands) as you can take without passing out. Although this will cause no permanent damage it will cause great temporary discomfort which serves as a most excellent penance.
4. Have a 40 minute bath (or shower if you have no bath) in ice cold water each day for a week.
5. Sleep wrapped very tightly in a wet sheet once a week for a month.
6. Go camping alone in a forest or mountainous location for an entire weekend, from Friday evening to Sunday evening. You may take a cell phone in case of emergencies and a dog for companionship and protection.
1. Offer yourself as a living human sacrifice for an entire month in a volunteer project for the good of the community. Throw yourself wholly into this work in your spare time while sublimating your own needs and desires for the duration.
2. Wear a tightly-fitting rubber diving suit for a week. Tell curious and derisive people that you have an unusual skin condition that you do not wish to spread. Note: when you select this option you will automatically contract an unusual but temporary skin condition. This is so that you will not commit further sins by lying to people.
3. Read the complete 500 page novel by George Bush, 'Decision Points' in a one week period. Although best read with the lights off, as a penance it should be read with them on as a bedtime story. Unlike many fairy tales, which often contain elements of truth, this book ends happily for very few people except George. You'll be up all night crying for it to end.
4. Have a 60 minute bath (or shower if you have no bath) in ice cold water into which a bag of ice cubes has been added each day for a week. If you are showering put the ice cubes in the bottom of the shower and stand on them.
5. Apply DWT Capsicum Penance Gel liberally to all mucous membranes. The pain may feel very real - it is supposed to be - but the effects are temporary and have the added bonus of being ultimately beneficial for all body tissues.
6. Spend the next long weekend, the entire three days from opening to closing time , in your local Wal-Mart. Eat only food you purchase there and use only their conveniences. Try not to bring attention to yourself. You may retain a cell phone in case you are arrested for loitering. If you are escorted from the store before your time is up, make your way directly to the next closest Wal-Mart, which should not take you long, and continue your penance there.
Custom Penance Spells
These are custom Magickal spells designed to bring misfortune in various degrees of harshness to the supplicant. They can also be selected to run for different lengths of time so the punishment can truly be tailored to fit each sin individually. These can be purchased from Dame Wotta Tripp Advice.
Please note: Those who thirst unnaturally for mortification will not be catered to at this time
Alternate Absolution Option:
Receive Your Absolution For A Monetary Love Offering
Why do you wish to receive absolution in exchange for a love offering?
1. You are not capable of doing penance
2. You can't be bothered
3. You can afford it
4. You can't be bothered and you can afford it
5. You want to make absolutely sure
Use your answer to determine which of the below rates are best suited to you
Absolutions are designed to cover a multitude of sins.
Love offering rates have been designed to be affordable for nearly everyone and are payable via Paypal.
Student love offering absolution - $5.00
Wastrel love offering absolution - $5.00
Incapable love offering absolution - $10.00
Spendthrift love offering absolution - $20.00
Doctors, Surgeons, Dentists &Lawyers love offering absolution (comes with a very special free personalized 'Darn Good Telling Off) - $200.00
Love offerings go directly to Dame Wotta Tripp, who thoroughly deserves them all. Each absolution in this category is entitled to a printable absolution certificate which will be emailed upon receipt of payment and a viable email address.
A Special Note to Stalkers, Serial Killers & Others in this Category:
Dame Wotta Tripp is unfortunately unable to grant absolution for this class of sin, except by special dispensation. Penance may not be enough in this rare instance. You may have to be scheduled for punishment and Wottribution. Consult Dame Wotta Tripp straight away and do all the penances in all the categories while you are waiting for her to contact you.
Essentially this entails Wotta Tripp acting on your behalf in much the same way as an Earthly lawyer, except at an interdimensional level. Work-intensive, and with no guarantees, the process is very expensive for the penitent.
If you fall into this category you may fill in the special application provided, form #SSK1IL, and submit it.
Wotta Tripp has at times a heavy caseload, but she will contact you as soon as possible.
Attention: Please remember to use a proxy IP address and tick the encrypt box on the form.
Now you may move on to Absolution. Please Note: If you are granted absolution it will be held in abeyance until such time as your Penance, Punishment and Wottribution (if found neccessary) have been undergone and fully completed. There will be no exceptions.
by order of Reverend Dame Wotta Tripp