Dame Wotta Tripp Advice - Pregnancy and Babies

Like a pet, a child is supposed to be for life, and you cannot send it back when Christmas is over, not even if it appears damaged. They are not warrantied.

Aside from that, there are also many things that you may well have to give up for this small creature. Thus, hopefully prior to actually getting pregnant, you will decide if you have the commitment and the discipline to go through the entire ordeal properly, to lessen the chances of it scarring you for life.

So be very sure you hold a true desire to have an actual child, and not something else, like an animal companion instead.

If you ladies would like a busy work life and have a lot of interesting future plans, you don't really want some goblin leaching all your precious minerals and vitality out before you have time to get started properly.

If you are quite sure, are of legal age and have not suffered a recent head injury, then by all means go ahead.

One of the keys to getting pregnant, providing there is no medical difficulty, is to relax. You should not be worried and you should have plenty of uninterrupted time.

Take your mind off your ultimate goal completely and try to enjoy being with your partner instead.

Don't forget to stop using contraception, because old habits die hard. Ladies, make sure you know which days of the month you will be at your most fertile as you will have to try extra hard on those dates.

Man’s testicles are placed outside his body partly in order to keep them at an optimal temperature. They are supposed to be cooler than the rest of his body. I'm sure he thinks so.

It's your responsibility to inform your lover of this and help him to keep his spheres of generation chilly.

Such actions as attacking your lover's private parts with a small heated appliance or hot coffee, however much you feel he deserves it, can result in expired sperm, affecting his overall sperm count and your chances of getting pregnant.

colourful, patterned cotton boxer shorts so that his testicles will remain cool.

On hot days, you should spray his testicles with ice-water every hour or so.

The kilt is without a doubt the healthiest attire for the male testes, allowing air, thankfully, to circulate.

You should try to have sex as many times as you can in a week. More would greatly improve your chances of getting pregnant. Never give up. The harder you try, the sooner it will all be over, and you can rest for a bit.

Some people get pregnant easily while others do not. If you and your lover have already tried an awful lot and neither of you have been in the position to claim success, then you should perhaps seek outside help. That's what friends are for.

Knowing the best sex positions for getting pregnant is helpful, and knowledge of both anatomy and gravity can maximize your chances of success quite a bit.

Ladies, completely avoid the woman on top position. This should not be practiced, especially when your partner is about to attain what passes for his pinnacle of achievement.

In this position, gravity would play a murderous role in sabotaging the formation of your bundle of up-chucking urine-soaked joy.

Not only should you be lying down, but your posterior and legs should be raised, perhaps on a comfy telephone directory or two, and kept in that position post-coitus for at least two hours, in case you are dealing with a slow and languid swimmer - perhaps not the best choice, but nature will have her eccentric way.

Lean your legs up against a wall, or ask your lover or a visiting friend to help by holding them up for an hour or so to maximize your chances of success.

If you do get pregnant, they will be thrilled to have played such a sterling role in your great happiness.

Standing will help ensure that half your baby falls out, so try not to, unless you have to suddenly run from somebody. But then, an un-penetrated egg is an egg which will never become a liability.

Talk to friends who already have children about pregnancy, giving birth and becoming a parent.

This way, you will be able to learn a lot of the useful but horrifying and harrowing facts in advance.

Note the frazzled exhaustion, the way that they snap at each other and the general lack of funds.

The stress free and spontaneous relationship that they once used to enjoy is now a foreign country.

In the cold, clear light of day you might wish to change your decision. The only way to know for sure is to borrow at least one child.

Those friends who have children under 14 will do anything for a weekend to themselves, if only so that they can finally discuss divorce proceedings in private.

Volunteer. This will require a little courage. Retain the children for at least a weekend, but three days to a week is better. This will give the required time for at least some of the terrible truth to come out.

Be extremely careful here! They are wily, wiry, ingenious, manipulative, prevaricating, over-curious, disobedient, noisy, messy and extremely rude under-developed adults. As well, they are perfectly capable of subterfuge, betrayal and conspiracy, even at a tender age.

Wotta Tripp will not go into detail here about the many disturbing experiences this experiment will heap upon your plate of enlightening educational suffering.

Suffice it to say, if they were your own, you wouldn't be able to send them home at the end of your ordeal.

The experiment may seem very cruel to you, but many of you will thank Dame Wotta Tripp Advice in the peaceful years to come.

It will also give you insight and empathy into the lives of the parents. Your dealings with your friends, who are by now partly broken, will be more sensitive. Nevertheless, for your own peace of mind, you should probably avoid ever having to be alone with their children again.

Just in case you cannot borrow any children, Dame Wotta Tripp has put together this handy gallery of human children for your serious consideration, but this is the extent of her ability to impart common sense to would-be parents.

This may serve to stay the hand of procreation if all else fails. Examine the images well and in detail. Visitors to this site are cautioned that some of these images may be disturbing to more sensitive viewers.

Please choose a child to begin your ordeal.

Having a baby can sometimes spell the death knell of a relationship. You and your partner need to remain strong together against adversity. Humour can be a powerful tool.

You should laugh with your partner. Laughing with your lover more often can actually improve your relationship. The kind of relaxation it brings is conducive to conception.

Often you will find that you are really laughing at your partner. Hide this fact at all costs. Just make sure that you mute or blunt the hysterical edge that your voice has been conveying lately.

Laughing long and helplessly like an inebriated hyena can actually bring about the type of muscle relaxation that can create optimal conditions for contracting a pregnancy.

Dame Wotta Tripp will now endeavour to answer a handful of the most frequent - and unintelligent - questions she receives, because after all, challenged people need her help most, particularly if they are going to ignore and resist the advice of their entire family and all of their friends, who have often been trying valiantly to distract them from their fantasies of parenthood for quite some time.

These questions illustrate the fact that some people might do well to wait a few years before settling down to raise what they may later try to pass off as a family. They are all from women. The questions men ask about the subject are frequently not fit to print.

A: Not the desired pregnancy. There are so many other things for the active brain to think about, but for those who need assistance, one could perhaps run through the week's menus, play mental word games, consider the layout of a project, experiment with telepathy, mentally select tomorrow's wardrobe for your meeting, the list is hampered only by the imagination of the attempter.

Q: My mother is insisting I get pregnant. She says it's not fair to keep her waiting at her age, and with her condition playing up.

A: Don’t get pregnant just to fulfill another person’s wish. It is very possible for someone to be pressured into having a baby by relatives or neighbours. Tell them you will have a child if they undertake to cover all of its expenses until it is of age and pay you an hourly wage on top for looking after it. They should withdraw at this point. Unplug the phone.

A: Plan for pregnancy carefully. It probably won't make a scrap of difference, but at least you won't feel guilty when something goes awry.

A: Will you and your partner have the time to take care of the baby, once he, she or it is born?

If you are working two jobs just to put yourself through some type of formal education, this might not be the right time to begin the long and tedious task of growing a new, wizened person who will demand all of your time and enlarge at a frightening pace, as well as making a horrible noise all day and possibly all night too.

A: Always remember that both of you play an important role in conceiving a child. Attempting this alone may lead to disappointment.

A: Good gracious, no, but it is necessary, and many people will mistakenly believe that they do want one or even more. It is just nature's little trick for repopulating the planet.

Feed your offspring good-quality and fresh organic food if you can. Avoid fast-food. It is an extremely unhealthy choice. You will not get good food at that international Scottish shop. It's abusive food. It will make your children too large and impair their intelligence.

Raising huge children is unwise. They are generally unhealthy, difficult to clothe and temperamental due to hormonal imbalances, glandular upsets and undermined immune systems.

Similarly, overly small ones do not fare very well either. You must feed them enough. They will need vitamins, fresh fruit, vegetables and protein.

Try and keep children clean to at least the standard of basic hygiene. It's a tough job, but one which they are incapable of completing themselves. Children are some of the most appallingly filthy creatures on the planet.

Make sure they are thoroughly soaked in water and scrubbed at least once a day. They don't like it, but it's in their own best interest, as well as that of your furniture and accessories.

I'm not in favour of de-clawing animals or children, but keep their nails trimmed. A pack of long-nailed children can wreak havoc on soft furnishings, each other and the household pet.

Bedtime is for your sanity. The time it is set at relies entirely on your own personal tolerance and ability to endure. Each parent is different.

Too many children at once become very difficult to manage whatever their age, although trouble tends to increase as the years are racked up.

Two may be optimal, as they will not be alone, but will have someone else to bicker and fight with all the live-long day. They must be watched closely to ensure that they don't kill each other.

However many you decide to show the light of day to, know that it is a harsh, roiling and expensive inland sea you have chosen to navigate. There are no lifeboats and no reprieves. It's wise to learn to swim before you push the boat, or any babies, out.

You could have a child that was slow, or even dangerous later on. The choice to breed has always been a two-edged sword.

Please Note: Make the most of your time together before a baby comes. Afterwards, the times when you are able to be intimate with your partner will be very few and far between.

You will find that post-child you are now only able to enjoy each other's favours in a very quick and timely fashion. Adjust to this new and speedy rhythm, because it's all you will have left.

The next time you can expect to linger between the sheets will either be in a mental hospital or after you have loaned your children to some want-to-be parents for a week's trial.

Wotta Tripp suggests you do not tell them ahead of time what's in store for them, otherwise you will lose your golden opportunity.

A final point to remember - even if you succeed in raising your offspring, there are no guarantees of how it will all turn out.

Even if you don't fail completely, it's highly unlikely that your children will be the way you envisioned them.

They didn't come to Earth to grow up the way you expected them to be. It's just not going to happen.

Dame Wotta Tripp wishes you and your future offspring the very best of good fortune anyway!