Cy Hunnicutt, the Darn Good Telling Off You Ordered Has Now Arrived

Note: Please make sure you have been to the bathroom and taken any prescribed medication before you read this missive. Each Darn Good Telling off contains a small but effective spell designed to maximize the effects of the castigation you are about to receive. Consult your family doctor before reading this letter if you are overly sensitive or in poor physical or mental health. 

To Cy Hunnicutt: 

In the middle of my busy day I am expected to take precious time off to deal with selfish and unwarranted demands from somebody who will probably never change very much without my mystical help.  

The fact that you, or some poor person you have sorely tried, has paid for your admonishment means absolutely nothing. Wotta Tripp does not feel you deserve the attention, but is merely fulfilling her side of the contract between you and she. 

Nevertheless she must always do her best, and after viewing you she sees clearly  that this ethic is not shared by yourself and that your behaviour is outside the pale and outlandish. 

The secret life inside your head is something I'm quite sure you wouldn't want many people to know about, would you Cy?  

No wonder that I've detected that you were a woman, a courtesan who wielded great power in a recent past life, and that you used these powers to fleece the people around you in an on-going game of procurement and manipulation for the purpose of financial gain and social positioning. 

Scoundrel! You are an albatross around the necks of those who care for you, and why they still do is beyond the present ken of Wotta Tripp. 

Love is too often a strangely-feathered and mutated bird that passes all logical comprehension.  

You seem to be rather too unkempt and your behaviour is far too bizarre to make you easily lovable, and for those that still care for you it must surely be an exercise in surreal and sturdy creativity to continue to find  the nurturing of this fragile emotion a worth-while endeavour. 

As to what should be done about you I have had to consider most carefully. You clearly need help to stop being so underhand and devious. 

Your first steps must be to prepare yourself properly. Purchase and make ready the following: 

·      A purple 7-day candle 

·      A small round of blue Stilton cheese, divided into 7 equal portions and some water biscuits 

·      A notebook with a purple or violet cover and a new pen, purple or violet if possible 

You should be able to find all of these items in a magick shop. For the next 7 days you must take the following steps. Do not miss a day, or there will be no results. 

Each evening at 7.00 pm you must light the purple  7-day candle and allow it to burn one of it's knobs off. It should be sitting in a dish or holder on a window-sill facing east. Beware of curtains catching fire! 

Just before you retire to bed every night you must eat a seventh part of your Stilton with some of the water biscuit crackers. You may well have night terrors. 

Each day perform a random act of kindness for a stranger, without expecting thanks or telling them even so much as your first name. Actively seek out those who need help, and try not to injure them. Write an account of what you did each day in your little purple book, along with notes on how you really feel about it all.  

Although not mandatory, try and continue this habit for a year, and then go back and read of the changes that have occurred in the laboratory of your soul.  

After the seven days are over you will receive 3 more specific and lengthy nightmares during the next  7 day period, in a particular sequence. These hideous dreams will unsettle you to the point that a change will slowly begin to take place in you. 

This will have the effect of turning you into a better person, which will upset you Cy, but will please Dame Wotta Tripp inordinately, and she is already smiling very grimly. 

If you awake in the morning with some minor bruising a hot bath with Epsom salts in it will soon sort everything out. 

You have three chances to come up against the dreadful creature that will appear in your dreams and overcome it.  You must display the inner courage and fortitude that Dame Wotta knows lies within you, however well and deeply it is presently concealed.  

If you are brave and honest, then you will defeat the fanged terror and you will see, your life will begin to improve almost immediately. You might even begin to interact with people without using passive-aggressive trickery to get your own back - and of course, to get your own way. 

Your carefully considered and coercive 'eccentricity' is yet another device used merely to claim attention and exert control over the unwary.  

You offer to help people only so they are tied to you by little debts and favours. You are a coyote hunting voles, a fox among chickens, a sly and degenerate puppeteer pulling the strings of those who possess more sentimental naivety and incredulity than common sense. 

I distinctly heard somebody you know tell another acquaintance of yours named June that you lied to him when he saw you last. "How do you know he was lying?" she asked. "Because his mouth was moving" came the sorry but accurate reply. 

That just about sums it all up, I believe. 

So, foolish knave, dwell on it all a while and then decide who you think you should really be!  

Choose very carefully, for if you fail now, you will also fail at life and the consequences will be gloomy and dire indeed.

The hard, cold, implacable Wrath of Wotta descends upon you now!

Dame Wotta Tripp